Divorcing a Narcissist

Narcissistic spouses are often used to getting their way, and they may react badly when their husband or wife finally finds the strength to leave. One way they try to regain control is by making threats.

Common threats include, “I will take custody of the kids,” “I will never leave the house,” “everyone will know what a horrible person you are,” or “I will run you into the ground financially.”

The attorneys at Enos Family Law help clients understand that these threats are often unrealistic and are being used as a form of control. Attorney Greg Enos often tells prospective clients that if their spouse threatened to turn them into a cabbage, it would not scare them because they know it cannot happen. The same can be true of many custody threats. If you are a good parent, those threats may be just as unrealistic.

False threats are one form of gaslighting. The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband uses lies and manipulation to isolate his wife and persuade her that she is mentally unwell.

Victims of gaslighting may be told again and again that they are the cause of the marital problems or the narcissist’s bad behavior. The simple reality is that each person is responsible for their own behavior.

Control and manipulation often begin early in the relationship. After years of being told everything is their fault, the victim may question their own experience, judgment, and sense of self.

A spouse married to a narcissistic partner is often exhausted by the cycle of explosive behavior, blame, love bombing, and emotional dismissal.

They may feel powerless and believe that if they end the marriage, they will lose everything: their children, their home, their friends, their livelihood, or even their ability to care for their children.

While divorcing a narcissist presents unique challenges, it is important to recognize that the narcissist may be intentionally using manipulation, scare tactics, and dominance because those tactics have worked for a long time.

The attorneys at Enos Family Law can reassure clients and help build confidence, but serious mental health therapy is often needed to break the emotional bonds of control.

Seeking counseling is not a sign of weakness. Judges generally view therapy as a smart and positive step. A judge’s role, however, is to follow the law when dividing the marital estate and establishing parental rights.

Understanding the legal reality of what can happen in court should take priority over allowing the narcissist to convince you that they have special power over the outcome.

When children are involved, a narcissistic spouse may try to sway them with the same manipulation used during the marriage. They may tell the children that their mother or father is breaking up the family.

A narcissistic spouse may have cheated but accuse the other spouse of adultery. They may have been an angry or uncaring parent but accuse the other spouse of being the bad parent.

Narcissists can appear charming and persuasive, which causes many victims to fear that friends, family, or even the court will believe them. That fear is itself a form of control.

A victim should avoid taking actions that could later be used against them in court, even when the narcissist’s behavior is deeply upsetting.

• Limit communication when possible.
• Avoid arguing just to defend yourself from accusations.
• Keep a calm demeanor during exchanges and written communication.
• Do not allow threats to control your decisions.
• Work with an attorney who understands the emotional dynamics of these cases.

Friends, family, and children may eventually see the truth for what it is. The goal is to move through the divorce process with discipline, strategy, and emotional control.

Narcissists often expect special treatment and may believe they can control everything in the divorce, including the court. But in a divorce case, the judge has the final say.

Narcissists do not like to lose, so they may file motions, fight over small issues, and create disputes that are not worth the attorney’s fees involved.

They may be interested in the title of “joint managing conservator” without wanting the responsibilities. Negotiating with a narcissist often requires finding a way for them to feel like they have won, even when the practical result does not give them the control they wanted.

The good news is that judges and lawyers are used to dealing with narcissistic behavior in divorce cases and can often figure out what is truly going on.

The attorneys at Enos Family Law help clients find the strength and resources they need to deal with and divorce controlling, narcissistic spouses.

No matter how difficult the road ahead may seem, deciding that you have had enough can be the first step toward freedom and toward a life you choose for yourself.

Victims of narcissists almost always benefit from therapy with an experienced, licensed professional counselor. Many victims need to overcome embarrassment and self-blame.

Attorney Greg Enos has spoken with many smart, successful, professional women who have said, “I can’t believe I let this happen to me and stayed with him for so long.” The more helpful question becomes: “What can I learn from this experience, and how can this make me stronger?”

• Mel Robbins: Outsmart a Narcissist: A Proven 4-Step Plan to Take Your Power Back
• Slay the Bully: How to Negotiate with a Narcissist and Win by Rebecca Zung
• Divorcing and Healing from a Narcissist by Dr. Theresa Covert
• Survive Divorce: Divorcing a Narcissist

Only a doctor can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder, but a spouse or attorney educated on narcissistic traits may be able to recognize patterns that affect a divorce case. Common traits include:

• Exaggerated feelings of self-importance
• Entitlement
• A need for constant, excessive admiration
• Feeling superior and expecting recognition
• Exaggerating achievements or talents
• Preoccupation with success, power, brilliance, beauty, or the perfect partner
• Believing they should only associate with special people
• Monopolizing conversations
• Belittling people they view as inferior
• Expecting special favors or unquestioning compliance
• Taking advantage of others to get what they want
• Reduced willingness to consider others’ needs and feelings
• Feeling envy or believing others envy them
• Arrogance or haughtiness
• Wanting the best of everything
• Trouble handling criticism
• Feeling easily slighted
• Expressing rage or contempt when challenged
• Trouble regulating emotions or behavior
• Problems dealing with change, stress, shame, insecurity, or vulnerability